The Empty Nest

Kids and College

Introducing the "Millenial:" What To Expect from Your College Student

By:  Barbara Rhode- Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Your "soon to be" college freshman belongs to a generation now referred to as "millenial." Even if you happen to be one of the lucky ones who has had a virtually stress free parenting experience, you might want to buckle your seat belt. This could get bumpy. Anticipate phone calls reporting, "I'm out of toilet paper..." their tone will assume you may want to do something about this. You won't be alone.

A large number of millenials have grown up in homes with parents who have invested more time, energy and money than any other set of parents to date. Quite a few have been hovered over by their well meaning families, indicative of a cultural shift that has turned parenting into a fulltime career laden with guilt, fear and feelings of inadequacy. Some of them have grown up confusing permissiveness with love and now expect the rest of the world to act accordingly. Limits and boundaries can be especially confusing and challenging to them. The word "no" from a professor or a roommate can invoke an almost preadolescent response. They have been trained from birth to question, run over or around authority and are now struggling to figure out how to cope with all the mixed messages they keep receiving.

A pervasive sense of entitlement is making it difficult for a lot of them to commit to a job, school, or even a relationship. Many have lived lives of unprecedented material affluence or on the receiving end of grossly inappropriate permissiveness. Attending college and learning to compromise with dorm-mates is going to be a stretch for some. Graduation from college into the real world of employment will be an even bigger rude awakening. Keep in mind that statistics paint a grim picture of what lies ahead for this age group. Housing, health care and day care costs have all risen drastically in the last few years while incomes for newbie's have stagnated or dropped. While they were busy navigating adolescence, we took our country to war and financed the cost of it out of the programs that existed to help young adults, newlyweds and young families get started on the road to independence. Recent polls show that this generation collectively holds no faith in programs like social security even being around when they are of age. "The gap between what they have and what they want has never been greater." (Roper Youth Report)

As you check your son or daughter into college this fall, understand that they will be experiencing more than one learning curve during the upcoming semesters. Most millenials will not be able to replicate the lifestyle they have spent the last 18 or so years growing accustomed to. That hard earned college degree they will be busy working towards promises to only open the financial doors that a high school diploma did a few short years ago.

Like the rest of their comrades, he or she probably respects individual freedom more than any group rules or norms they will come up against. This will prove to be challenging for them and the university, corporate or organizational structures they join. Professors and supervisors will have to earn their respect even while they complain loudly that these newest recruits are not team players. It will fall on us as parental role models and coaches to remember that they are a product of both our overindulgent parenting style and the societal influences we helped form.

By now, you might have noticed that your child also tends to respond strongly to criticism and will simply shut down in the face of even too much constructive feedback. You might recall the billions of dollars that have been spent on building their self esteem, from daycare on, so keep that in mind the next time you stand in awe at a meltdown after giving some helpful advice. All of those especially good feelings we so tirelessly pumped into them since preschool have in reality produced some pretty thin skinned young adults who tend to crumble when corrected.

Try not to be discouraged if she doesn't finish college in 4 or 5 years. Recent statistics show that less than 50% will. It is not unusual these days for a college sophomore or junior to suddenly take a year or two off to explore other options, just when you thought everything was humming along nicely. To their credit, they are not as invested in maintaining status quo as some of us Boomers were and will decide for themselves what fits and what does not. These are not "politically correct people pleasers" who become anxiety ridden if their sudden change of plans upsets the powers that be. Many of them have stood by and watched us work at jobs we never really liked only to be downsized in our prime, scrambling to keep our credit card balances above water. In general, they do not have faith in much other than themselves and will pursue individual happiness, relentlessly.

Keep in mind that this group has been raised on a technological pacifier since birth. They have gone from electronic babysitters (television) to instant messages in the blink of an eye. No other group has grown up so totally immersed in technology and we have yet to see the long term effects. We do know that they are better multi-taskers than most of us can ever hope to be but not always quite as advanced as some of them believe. They are innately skilled at handling the fast pace of technological changes but less adept at navigating social relationships that demand face to face, in depth emotional intimacy. They have shorter fuses, becoming easily frustrated but are also more embracing of diversity than any other generation.

Our children have a lot to offer our world. This is lucky because they inherit some hearty concerns to resolve: global warming, terrorist on the home front, a rising national debt, healthcare concerns, to name a few. They may need some of that overconfidence to tackle what lies ahead. Our job as parental coaches and mentors is to acknowledge these generational differences while role modeling some of the skills they have yet to acquire. Maybe in exchange, they will teach us how to instant message or at the very least, work the DVD player?

Barbara Rhode is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists. She is the President of Transitions and You, and and author of "Blast Off: Preparing your Child for College and Beyond." She travels the country giving parenting workshops. For more parenting tips, visit http://www.youtube.com/user/Parents911, or http://transitioningparents.blogspot.com/

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